American puberty

I've got it! The mystery is solved! The dark secret of american psyche has been reveiled!

It’s been bothering me for years now; what is it about americans (individually and collectively) that drives me crazy. I know they are not bad peolple, but if you find yourself stuck in a room with two or more americans having a converstion, you will be looking for the nearest fire exit after a couple of minutes.

I was in that very situation recently, in a hotel just outside Dublin. An American couple was having their breakfast next to me and I couldn't help overhearing their conversation (even despite my continuous efforts to direct all my consentration to my cup of coffee). The husband was enthusiastically explaining his wife about the joys of Hurling (the game, just to be clear, not projectile vomiting) that he had just discovered. "It's like full contact, no paddings, and the ball is like bigger than a shot put!" Then his face lit up even more as he reached the crescendo "and they hit the ball like in baseball. I mean, you can totally blow someone's head off!" At that point I had already gone off my beans, but her reply very nearly got me choking on my bacon; "Wow!", she bellowed.

A moment later I was trying hard to concentrate on my orange juice and block out the outside world when the wife grabbed my arm; "You know what sport those guys in blue shirts are playing?" I looked over my shoulder and saw a table full of gentlemen with pictures of golf clubs printed on their blue polo shirts. I explained that given their shirts, the average age of 60 and the fact that the hotel is also one of the nicest golf resorts around, I would guess they play golf. "I knew it, it’s Hurling!" shouted the husband.

That's when I realised what it was about Americans that’s been bothering me; it's puberty. They seem to be fascinated by violence, they are unable to pay attention if a sentence has more than five words in it, and they either believe everything or nothing you say.

After my revelation I wanted to hug the couple and tell them about my wonderful insight that frees them from shame and explains their curious state, but after the graphic details of brutality involved in Hurling that the husband had enthusiastically explained, I thought it was best to simply walk away and keep my theory to myself. After all, he was a big, dim, and exited American, you can’t be too careful with them.

Now, after some reflection, I feel that future is full of hope. Puberty is, after all, a desease cured by the passing of time. So, my fellow human beings, let's not be cruel to the Americans, they might grow up to be perfectly reasonable adults – one day.