time i don't write any subject in the 'subject' slot of the emails'
formats. I would only put a 'subject' if it is a formal email or if i
think that there is something in particular that can summarize what i
will be saying in the email. Hence, it will be an overstatement to say
that having nothing to write as the title of this post, shows that i
have nothing in special to say today.
It has been long since i
thought I had anything to say really. Not that i do now, but i have
some things to take care of and decided to have a break because it is
my mind that needs a break. I am feeling that i am on the verge of
something. Not of a nervous-breakdownAlmodovar's style, god forbid! It
may be that there is a sense of overwhelming emotions based on
practically nothing. My life is as boring as it has ever being. Haven't
watched much films, haven't done many things, most of the time i spend
it at home, almost none friends around to count on, no motivation for
reading much, and so on. No motivation in general to take the first
step on things.
It is possible that because of the reasons
mentioned above, I am letting myself becoming more and more directed by
eventual circumstances. Some of those circumstances are, for instance,
when my only friend around here wants to meet under her own terms. Yes,
I know this sounds quite pathetic, but well, there is no much i can do
about that. Other eventual events evolve around my supervisor'semission
of work for me, submission of papers for different deadlines, search
for jobs and filling up application forms, going to cinema when the Mr.
feels like he can drive all the way to our nearest screening theatre,
awaiting for visitors to come, such as my uncle and his partner, and my
younger sister.
As we can see, none of the listed events depend
on me, and the only way i relate to them is by performing in them, by
being there, and trying to experience them and participate of them one
way or another.
Can i ask, how many people are out there feeling
the same way i do? Can there be a reason to form a group of pathetic
selves that can meet just to get out of the shell? No other thing in
common but that? The thing is that this happens, but because this is
not sophisticated reason enough, people hide their pathetic selves
behind other more acceptable similarities. Acceptable similarities
could be shared with work/university colleagues, good friends/family,
people with similar ideologies (political, religious, financial,
environmental, etc.), arts related groups,etcetera . These are socially
acceptable reasons for people to get together, and without the
tolerate the idea of being with someone for the sake of.
However,
there is one important common and ongoing thing that actually brings
people together even if just for a short period of time. These are the
eventual conditions of both personal and social nature. It can be of
social nature if a person is waiting at a bus stop, sitting at the
beach or in a pub. This is the setting. Now, we need other people
around, and another person that will perceive the other's presence
within that same space. Both people can be either waiting for someone
else, killing time on their own, needing a break, whatever, but having
a time for themselves. Having said that, one of the two persons will
decide to approach the other person, no reason behind, just because
there is something about the other one that makes herlikable at that
moment and attractive for talking. The fact is that both people will be
engaged into a conversation for a little while and then will take their
different ways and most likely never meet again. I always wonder, what
is that allows this to happen? I am not talking about weirdos here,
nothing like that. Just circumstantial events that take place without
more commitments, than those of the instant. Yet, as we socially
dependent creatures strive on compromises and commitments, these kind
of eventual encounters with others are taken as of lesser value by many.
Am
I utterly wrong here? Honestly, those comments are not geared only by
my long lone days, i am always like this anyway. With the time, the
only thing that i fear is that social casualness will become more and
moreunconsciously censored (by the society and by individuals). I say
this because when I was younger (even during last year), I used to
spend much more time on my own in social spaces. Nowadays, it is less
easier for me to be the way i was before. I have started to question my
social abilities. For example, two weeks ago i went to town on my own,
and for once in a long while went to have some pub lunch alone.
Needless to say, but I was the only person who was eating alone. It
never bothered me before, i knew that there was nothing wrong with
being alone in public places.
I will try to keep a track on this
issue, because it is quite big in my life and need to think and write
more about it. Maybe only then, i can begin to understand a little bit
of what is actually going on.
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